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If you wish to make a
*real* sponge cake,
BORROW all the
ingredients.



I no longer need
to punish, deceive,
or compromise myself,
unless, of course, I
want to stay employed.



You never really
learn to swear
until you learn
to drive.



If guns kill people....
then, pencils misspell
words, cars drive
people drunk, and
spoons made
Rosie O'Donnell fat!



Experience is
something you don't
get until just
after you need it.



My neighbor was bit
by a stray rabid dog.
I went to see how he
was and found him writing
frantically. I told him
rabies could be cured
and he didn't have to
worry about a will.
He said, "Will? What will?
I'm making a list of
the people I wanna bite."



"Hollywood --
a place where the
inmates are in
charge of the
asylum."
-Laurence Stallings- .


After a quarrel,
a wife said to her
husband, "You know,
I was a fool when I
married you." The
husband replied,
"Yes, dear, but
I was in love
and didn't notice."


My wife thinks I'm
too nosy. At least
that's what she
keeps scribbling
in her diary.


Never be afraid to
try something new.
Remember, amateurs
built the ark.
Professionals built
the Titanic.


Never do card
tricks for the
group you play
poker with.


Christmas is weird.
What other time of
the year do you sit
in front of a dead
tree and eat candy
out of your socks?


Always try to
be modest and
be proud of it!


Experience is a
wonderful thing.
It enables you to
recognize a mistake
when you make it again.


No husband has
ever been shot
while doing the
dishes.


If you look like
your passport picture,
you probably need
the trip.


Artificial intelligence
is no match for
natural stupidity.


A blonde said, "I
was worried that my
mechanic might try to
rip me off, I was
relieved when he told
me all I needed was
turn-signal fluid."


Give a person a fish
and you feed them for
a day; teach that person
to use the Internet
and they won't bother
you for weeks.


"This is a free country:
and I have all the permits,
licenses, stamps, tags,
stickers, background checks,
tax receipts, and a Social
Security number to prove it!"


"Nostalgia isn't what it
used to be."
--Peter De Vries--


As a beauty, I am
not a star, There are
others more handsome by
far. But my face I don't
mind it, For I am behind it.
It's the people in front
that I jar.


I was in the waiting room
of my doctor's office the
other day when the doctor
started yelling,
"Typhoid! Tetanus! Measles!"

I went up to the nurse and
asked her what was going on.

She told me that the doctor
liked to call the shots.


Apparently a teacher has been
arrested in the UK in possession
of compasses, protractor, and ruler.
It is claimed he is a member of
the Al Gebra movement bearing
weapons of maths instruction


My husband and I divorced over
religious differences.
He thought he was God
and I didn't!


I work hard because millions
on welfare depend on me!


Some people are alive only
because it's illegal to kill them.


NyQuil - The stuffy, sneezy,
coughing, why-oh- why-is-the-room
spinning medicine.


Quoting one is plagiarism;
Quoting many is research.


Consciousness: that annoying
time between naps.


It IS as bad as you think
and they ARE out to get you.


God must love stupid people;
he made so many


When I was young we used to
go "skinny dipping", now I just
"chunky dunk"


Don't argue with an idiot;
people watching may not be
able to tell the difference.


Why is it that our children
can't read a Bible in school,
but they can in prison?


Brain cells come and brain
cells go, but fat cells live
forever.


It used to be only death and taxes
were inevitable. Now, there's
shipping and handling.


I was thinking about how a
status symbol of today is
those cell phones that everyone
has clipped on. I can't afford one.
So, I'm wearing my garage door opener.


You know, I spent a fortune on
deodorant before I realized
that people didn't like me anyway.


I was thinking that women
should put pictures of missing
husbands on beer cans!


I have gotten that dreaded
furniture disease. That's when
your chest is falling into
your drawers!


Employment application blanks
always ask 'who is to be notified
in case of an emergency.' I think
you should write, "A Good Doctor!"


I'm in the 28 percent Bracket ---
I take home less than a third of
what I need to pay my bills.


"What happened here Dective"?

"Looks like Placebo Overdose".

"But we're pertty sure he only
thinks he's dead".


"Does anyone know if
'Take Your Daughter to Work Day'
is the same day as
'Lock Your Son Up in a Closet Day?'
Because it would really
save me some time."
- Bob Van Voris -


"Egotism is the anesthetic
that dulls the pain of stupidity."
--Frank Leahy






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Jacquie Lawson e-cards
Jacquie Lawson e-card of the month





"You know the world is going crazy when the best rapper is a white guy,
the best golfer is a black guy, France is accusing the US of arrogance and
Germany doesn't want to go to war."




Hybrid this....




Finally a browser that works like it should.







Superstion Mountians





The heaviest element known to science is Managerium.

This element has no protons or electrons, but has a nucleus
made up of 1 neutron, 2 vice-neutrons, 5 junior vice-neutrons,
25 assistant vice-neutrons, and 125 junior assistant vice-
neutrons all going round in circles.

Managerium has a half-life of three years, at which time it
does not decay but institutes a series of reviews leading to
reorganization.

Its molecules are held together by means of the exchange of
tiny particles known as morons.





THE INTERNATIONAL CONSUMER
Joe Smith started the day early, having set his alarm clock (MADE IN
JAPAN) for 6 a.m. While his coffee pot (MADE IN CHINA) was perking, he
shaved with his electric razor (MADE IN HONG KONG). He put on a dress
shirt (MADE IN SRI LANKA), designer jeans (MADE IN SINGAPORE), and tennis
shoes (MADE IN KOREA).

After cooking his breakfast in his new electric skillet (MADE IN
INDIA), he sat down with his calculator (MADE IN MEXICO) to see how much
he could spend today. After setting his watch (MADE IN TAIWAN) to the
radio (MADE IN INDIA), he got in his car (MADE IN GERMANY), and continued
his search for a good paying AMERICAN JOB.

At the end of another discouraging and fruitless day, Joe decided to
relax for awhile. He put on his sandals (MADE IN BRAZIL), poured himself
a glass of wine (MADE IN FRANCE), and turned on his TV (MADE IN
INDONESIA), and then wondered why he can't find a good paying job -- in
the U.S.A.
--(widely circulated, but author unknown)




Arizona Rocks





A billion is a difficult number to comprehend, but one advertising agency did
a good job of putting that figure into perspective in one of its releases:

A billion seconds ago it was 1959.

A billion minutes ago Jesus was alive.

A billion hours ago our ancestors were living in the Stone Age.

A billion dollars ago was only 8 hours and 20 minutes - at the rate Washington spends it.




A couple months ago, I entered a contest and ended up winning a few acres
of swampland below the flood plane in Mississippi.

Before I knew it, right after that I won a $250,000 house, so naturally I
built it on my new land.

Last week, I won enough money in the lottery to quit my job and move down there for good.

And just last night, as sat on my new porch watching the rain and listening
to the thunder, it all started to sink in.



There was a guy telling his friend that he and his wife had a serious
argument the night before. "But it ended," he said, "when she came crawling
to me on her hands and knees."

"What did she say?" asked the friend.

The husband replied, "She said, 'Come out from under that bed, you coward!'"




PHYSICIANS vs. GUN OWNERS

Physicians:
a. The number of physicians in the U.S. is 700,000.
b. Accidental deaths caused by Physicians per year are 120,000.
c. Accidental deaths per physician is 0.171.

(Statistics courtesy of U.S. Department of Health &Human Services)

Guns:
a. The number of gun owners in the U.S. is 80,000,000.
b. The number of accidental gun deaths per year (all age groups) is 1 ,500.
c. The number of accidental deaths per gun owner is 0.000188.

Statistically, doctors are approximately 9,000 times more dangerous than gun owners.
Remember, "Guns don't kill people; doctors do."

FACT: NOT EVERYONE HAS A GUN, BUT ALMOST EVERYONE HAS AT LEAST ONE DOCTOR.
Please alert your friends to this alarming threat. We must ban doctors
before this gets completely out of hand!!!!!

Out of concern for the public at large, I have withheld the statistics on lawyers for
fear the shock would cause people to panic and seek medical attention.





"Summer of Wallow Fire"



The ash made everything so green.



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"Freedom of speech is wonderful -
right up there with the freedom not to listen"